Griffin's Travels

Sweet Griffin.

I have not posted on here in so long. I keep updated on Facebook but haven't written my thoughts down here in awhile. You have had big moments, but none have made me feel like time is going by fast. None have made me realize you are soon going to be losing your "infantness". You have taken newborn baths, infant baths, and have floated in a real bath to practice your swimming. You started eating solids and were good at it right off the bat. You have outgrown all of your first year clothing and we are only halfway through your first year.

But nothing prepared me for how I felt when I saw that little white tip of your tooth sticking out of your gums. A very soft but abrupt pang of sadness hit me in my gut. My baby, my sweet infant baby, is getting teeth like a regular person. Like all of the kids and teenagers and grownups have. That tooth that is taking so long to come in is reminding me of your impending toddlerhood; an unstoppable, natural progression of life that I am not ready for yet.

Because while I am thrilled to see what a crawling Griffin does, what a talking Griffin does, and what a walking Griffin does, I am also keenly aware that you will continue to outgrow your infantness as you hit each milestone along the way. That eventually I will look at you in your adorable toddlerhood and realize the only way I will see you as a baby again is through my photo album. Thank God I have taken at least 2,000 pictures.

I can't believe this silly little tooth is making me nostalgic about something that hasn't happened yet. But it has and I must deal with that. I have plenty of time to enjoy you as a baby and I am planning on soaking up as much of it as I possibly can.

I love you so much, Baby Griffin.

He is here. GRIFFIN DANIEL JOHNSON IS HERE. He arrived in this world at 1:12pm on Tuesday, September 27th. He was 21 inches and weighed 8lbs, 14oz. And he is perfect.

How it all began...
Monday, September 26th, 2011 was my 27th birthday. Caleb and I were both home and had planned on spending the day together leisurely and going to my parents house for a celebratory dinner that evening. At about 10:30 that morning, I thought my water had broken. This was nothing like the movies. In fact, I wasn't even sure it had happened. I called my nurse, who informed me that I needed to go to the hospital and be checked. We went in, spent about an hour in triage, where they informed me that I was not in labor and could go home.

I was irritated. My morning had turned out to be a disappointing waste of time, but also that I thought I knew my body well enough and I was sure that this was happening. When we got home, I took a nap. After waking up, I felt really funny. Were those contractions? Nooo...they said I wasn't in labor. Must be like a stomach ache. Or maybe that's what Braxton Hicks feel like. I got up and got ready for dinner, and these pains got worse. I told Caleb I was pretty sure my water was breaking more, and that I was having mild contractions. We decided to go to my parents for dinner since it was on the way to the hospital anyways, and if things got intense, we would know that we should go in. I wasn't about to go in and be told to go home again.

Well, I got through birthday dinner, cake, and presents, all the while having active labor contractions. We decided it was time to go in.

We spent an hour waiting in triage before anyone saw us...apparently is was a "busy night". Finally we saw a doctor. Sure enough, my water had broken and I was 4 cm dilated. They admitted us, which we were thrilled about!

After getting settled in my labor and delivery room around 9pm, we visited with both of our parents and told them to go home for the night because this probably wouldn't be happening until early morning. I remember at one point telling Caleb, "I feel really dizzy." to which he quickly responded, "Yeah, me too.". Luckily he was trying to be hilarious or I would've punched him in the face. Caleb and I watched "Justified" for an hour while I walked around the room and bounced on the exercise ball to help with contractions. Oddly though, my contractions became milder and farther apart. That didn't make sense, but the nurse said to just wait and take the time to relax, I would need my energy for later. So, Caleb and I decided to rest and try and get some sleep since this was turning out to be a long labor. I couldn't really sleep so I watched Golden Girls and Cheers :). The resident came in and asked "Are you guys really watching Golden Girls?" to which I laughed and responded, "Um, yeah!!".

In the early morning, the doctor came in and said we needed to move the labor along. Since my water was broken, we only had a 24 hour window to have the baby or we risk getting an infection. They also couldn't pinpoint when my water had broken...was it the first time when I came in and they tested incorrectly or did it happen that afternoon? They had to operate off of the first time to be safe, so I was running out of time to have Griffin. They put me on Pitocin, which helps move labor along. It worked for about two hours. I had much stronger contractions and they were much closer together. I finally asked for an epidural. Ladies, this epidural is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Not bad at all. And the pain relief was amazing. Weird, but amazing. It's like when your legs fall asleep, but without the painful pins and needles feeling that happens when you start to move it. My legs actually fell off the side of the bed sometimes and I couldn't get it back on. Very strange. But blissfully pain-free.

By now it was about 10am and the Pitocin was no longer working. I had been having contractions for 18 hours and was now only 5cm dilated (for those who don't know, you have to get all the way to 10cm dilated. I had only gained 1cm since being admitted the day before). We increased the Pitocin and waited, but Griffin wasn't moving. The doctor came in and checked my cervix. He concluded that Griffin just wasn't fitting through my pelvic bone and couldn't move into position enough for everything to keep dilating. So we needed to do a C-section.

I had wanted to avoid Pitocin and a C-section for so many reasons. I was going to be tough, I was going to walk around during labor, I was going to bounce on the friggin ball, and I was going to have this baby the "real way". Things soooo did not go to plan, and it was ridiculous of me to assume that it would. But I had really wanted to avoid a C-section because I have a blood disorder that predisposes me to clots. And any major surgery is followed by a risk of clots. But we had no choice, Griffin needed to come out in the next two hours.

Things started moving very fast. After spending so long just waiting and resting and wondering, it was strange for everyone to be in a frenzy around me, getting everything ready. I wasn't going to be knocked out for the procedure; they were going to increase my epidural so I could be conscious. I was so grateful for that. I wanted to see my baby when he came out and I wanted to remember it. I didn't want to be foggy.

Caleb got all suited up in hospital scrubs so he could sit by me in the operating room. God I was nervous. This was happening so fast....was I ready?? Was I ready to meet my son? Was I ready to be a mother in the next thirty minutes?? Oh my gosh, I am going to meet Griffin in the next thirty minutes!!!

I was wheeled into the operating room and met all of the people who would be helping me. Then they quickly put up the sheet so I couldn't watch the surgery, and Caleb came in. Then they began. Without scaring anyone, I want to say that I found the C-section to be quite traumatizing. I could feel everything they were doing, it just didn't feel sharp. It never hurt. But I could feel every slice, every pull, every stitch. Caleb kept smiling at me and looking excited, which I wanted to respond to, but I couldn't believe what I was feeling. It felt like it took about five minutes, and I heard the doctor say that I was going to feel a lot of pressure because he was going to pull Griffin out. Three pulls/pushes, and I heard Griffin cry. Caleb couldn't wait, he stood up and looked over the curtain. The happiness/joy/excitement on his face was one of the best things I have seen. Tears were pouring down his face. The nurses took Griffin to be cleaned and weighed. This was the hardest part for me. They were still stitching me up and putting me back together, which felt awful and was incredibly distracting; and I could also hear Griffin crying in the next room. I wanted to be near him, I wanted to go him. I started shaking pretty hard at this point. The nurse came and got Caleb so he could pick up Griffin. He brought him back to me and held him near my face. Griffin wasn't even crying. Just laying there sleeping. And he was perfectly pink. I had seen so many pictures of new babies looking weird and purple....Griffin was already perfect-looking. I kept trying to touch him, but my hand was shaking so violently from the drugs and the hormones that were coursing through my body, I was scared I was going to hit him. So Caleb brought Griffin out to show our family in the waiting area until the doctors were finished with me.

They wheeled me into the recovery room. This was when I could finally hold Griffin. They laid him skin-to-skin on my chest; and THAT is the most wonderful feeling in the world. THAT cannot be beat. He was so sweet, so quiet. So beautiful. The nurse had a lot to do with me still, so Caleb took Griffin back and held him skin-to-skin on his chest on the couch. The nurse thought that was so touching that Caleb wanted to do that. They removed my epidural and started me on IV painkillers. The reason I mention this is that the story gets a little foggy for me here because those painkillers did that sort of thing...made you foggy. And they made my face itch. Both of our families came in and took turns holding Griffin and taking pictures. Grandparents all around were very happy :). After that, they moved us up to our room we would use for the rest of the stay. It was soooo nice. And a bed big enough for both Caleb and I to sleep in so he didn't have to sleep in a recliner!

So we stayed in the hospital for four days. Caleb never left the room. It took two days for me to be able to get up by myself and walk a little, so Caleb had to do almost everything. He was a champ. He changed all of Griffin's diapers, swaddled him, and got me everything I needed. We spent all day, all night, getting to know our little Griffin. I was healing fast, and able to walk around quite well by Friday, so they discharged us. Earlier in the week, the idea of going home and taking care of him by ourselves was terrifying...by Friday, we were ready to go and felt quite capable of handling him on our own.

Looking back, I already miss that time. It was wonderful and challenging in so many ways. But it was a time of anticipation and excitement; an intimate time for Caleb, Griffin, and I to get to know each other away from everything else. To develop and understand our new family. It was precious and I never want to forget it.